Tara Sivec is the shit. No, not the shit like in a bad way….like she is my total girl crush. She already knows I want to stalk her just to be her BFF and hang out with her fictional characters, so it’s a little weird that she is willing to visit my blog. Obviously. she’s into me. Right? (Or maybe she’s too scared not to).
I was so excited to get Troubles and Treats (Chocolate Lovers 3) by Tara Sivec early, and a little nervous it wouldn’t live up to the first two in the Chocolate Lovers Series (see series order here). But I should have known better. Guess how I spent this book?
And I’m thinking of getting this from Drew’s T-shirt dealer:
Because seriously, I did pee. More than once. Just like the first two books, do NOT read this in public unless you don’t mind people seeing you crying, snorting and peeing in your pants. My entire kindle was yellow (not from pee-a little snot maybe-but not pee; that was in my pants. I literally had to wear a pad while reading this! What is with my vagina control anyway?) Oh, sorry I got off track– my kindle was yellow because I was highlighting all the funny lines. Basically, it’s every line on every page!
This is Drew and Jenny’s story and it takes place a few years after Futures and Frosting in alternating points of view. If you have not read the first two in the Chocolate Lovers Series, Seduction and Snacks (see my review here) and Futures and Frosting (see my review here), STOP. Read them now. Yes, you can read this one without them, but don’t. You will like this one much better if you knew Drew and Jenny B.K. (Before Kids) when they fucked everywhere, everyhow, as dirty as they could. You will see a lot in flashbacks during this book, but go, read them first, then come back here.
Drew and Jenny now have two kids, pre-schooler Veronica, and 3 month old Billy (named for Drew’s favorite movie Billy Madison). Veronica was born via c-section (and wait until you read how she was conceived!), but Billy (who Veronica really wanted to name “Shitbag”) was born vaginally. This was one of the funniest delivery room scenes I’ve ever seen/read and included Drew gagging and passing out. It’s no wonder they have this problem:
“When was the last time you guys had sex?” Claire asks.
“Um, what day is it today?”
“It’s Saturday,” Claire answers.
“It’s like the day the stick turned pink, her lady bits put up a giant “Out of Business” sign. Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina.”
Gone are the days of pulling over on the way home from dinner to bang in the back seat of the car. Vanished into thin air are the nights of putting anal ease on my junk to see if I could still feel my orgasm. I couldn’t, by the way. Jenny also couldn’t feel her tongue or her lips for eight hours. Don’t try this at home, kids.
Drew clearly loves his wife and wants his crazy, kinky wife back. But she is trying to be a good mom, is breastfeeding, working, cleaning and up all night with the kids. Drew is oblivious (like most men) to what she really needs (some help) and Jenny thinks he should just know. But you know Drew:
I’ve tried everything. I’ve whispered sweet nothings in her ear like, “My penis misses your vagina,” and “I heard a rumor that your love canal misses my jizz.” Nothing. I know, I can’t believe it either.
He even worked hard to install a sex swing in their bedroom as a surprise for Jenny, but when he got upstairs to see how she liked her surprise….all he can say is:
“Sex…me…the swing…bad…sex…barf. “
But Jenny didn’t know what it was until a few days later.
“A. SEX. SWING. From the Latin words, ‘you are supposed to fuck in it, not rock your kid to sleep'”
Claire and Carter have two kids, Liz and Jim have three and Drew and Jenny have the two. So you can imagine what it’s like when they are all together:
There were some funny kid scenes with Gavin and the rest of the kids, but really, you don’t need the kid humor when you have Drew and his kids’ shirts, and Jenny’s incorrect word usage around. Here are just a few of the numerous examples:
Some of the kids’ shirts:
“I shit my pants when ugly people hold me”
“Pooping in progress with a percentage line under it showing 45%”
Some of Drew’s shirts:
“Jesus and a crying Virgin Mary that says: Bitches be trippin'”
“I puffy heart my penis. Let me show you why”
“My wife is #1 at diddling.”
Some of Jenny’s mispronunciations:
“Because he’ll just race over here and make a testicle of himself”
“Canada, take me away”
“I’m not going to hold my breast for another invitation”
Tara’s stories aren’t all funny all the time. There are some serious undertones in the book. I think every marriage goes through its ups and downs. My own marriage went through a few years where the last thing I wanted was sex. Plus we can all relate to the guys just not knowing what we need when we think they should. After a baby, you can be so exhausted taking a shower is a chore. Grooming certainly was for Jenny. When her friends take her to get waxed, I never laughed so hard.
“What the hell are you doing?” – Liz to Jenny
“Uh, I’m stripping down like the girl told me to do.” Jenny to Liz
“Do you have hairy tits or something? Why the hell would you need to take your shirt off?” Liz to Jenny before the Brazilian Wax
“Holy fuck Jenny! How does that shit even fit in your underwear?”
“Yes, and in just a few minutes, a dick will be able to find your vagina without needing night vision goggles and a weed whacker.”
“AAAAAHHH MY VAGINA!”
“OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST PULL MY CLIT OFF?”
I learned a lot in this book as well. Including the term FUPA: Fat Upper Pussy Area, and my favorite, SPOOP. A word that I stupidly showed my high school son the meaning of (I’m one of those moms who says “that’s what she said” to my kids if that’s any indication of my stupidity here). Apparently, the word has now gone viral around his school. I also learned the correct way to have a vibrator race, all about tupperware, mace, tazers, stalkers, gnomes, hugging my womb, and so much more.
And let me tell you, I fucking LOVED the skittles out of this book.
“Seriously Drew? You told my mom you liked to eat bearded clam?”
“I assumed she knew what that was and we’d get a good laugh about it. How was I supposed to know she’d go on Google looking for a recipe?
- Please, how can I even begin? I loved it. I laughed my ass off the whole time, and liked it even better than Futures and Frosting.
- I loved how even though Drew is an idiot, you can see how crazy in love he still is with his wife.
- It was nice to see the other couples in the future and what is happening with them.
- I loved the flashbacks that showed how the relationship had progressed as they fell for each other.
- Jenny made a surprisingly good mom.
- It switched back and forth between Drew and Jenny’s POV, and since there was no pattern, I wasn’t sure who was talking for a page or two, then often went back to re-read.
- That this is the last in the series. NOOOOOOOOO! Say it ain’t so!!!!!
Rating: 5+++++ Stars, 3.5 for Heat
These books are crude, funny, totally crazy, and so much fun to read. I have not found any other thing that makes me laugh as hard as Tara’s books do. She has mastered the art of 12 year old boy humor, is completely inappropriate and politically incorrect and makes no apologies, and I love her to pieces for it!
“Mommy Raped my Spoop”
Purchase Troubles and Treats
Now guess what? Tara Sivec is HERE, visiting MY BLOG right NOW!!! And she is giving away a signed copy of Troubles and Treats!
And she will be back TONIGHT for Part 2 of my interview and my 3rd night of Chrismukkah giveaway!
Tara Sivec is a best selling author, wife, mom, chauffeur, cheerleading coach, soccer coach, babysitter, short-order cook, genius and albino squirrel hunter. She lives in Ohio with her husband and two kids. In her spare time she likes to read, write and cover things in chocolate. Most of her material comes from real life experiences with family and friends. Lucky for them, the names have been changed to protect the innocent (aka, drunk).
Here is Part 1 of my interview with Tara:
I know this is the end of the Chocolate Lover’s series (I am NOT a happy camper) and that you are writing a romantic suspense due in January. (I can’t wait) Can you tell a little about it? I’m so excited about this book I can’t even stand it! The book is called A Beautiful Lie and it centers around 3 best friends. One member of the trio is tragically ripped away from them and the remaining 2 are left behind to pick up the pieces and find out what really happened to him. Lies will be uncovered, long hidden passions will ignite, and none of them will ever be the same again.
Do you have another comedy series brewing in your brain? I always have new ideas brewing on my brain which makes for a very bat shit crazy brain! Ever since I quit my office job of 14 years last month, I’ve had some ideas about doing something about an office attraction. Sort of like The Office meets….I don’t know – a speeding locomotive carrying love, competition for the same job and office tomfoolery. *shrugs* we’ll see!
Where do you write at home, and how do you keep the kids from driving you crazy? That’s why I blog at 11 at night. Well, I just moved a few of the rooms around in the house and my office is now the first room when you walk in the front door. We’ve never known what to do with this room because it’s in a weird location. I love this room thought because of all the windows and how bright it is. Anyway, it’s right by the stairs leading up to the bedrooms and it’s connected to the kid’s toy room. Obviously not brilliant planning on my part. There are constantly kids running through here arguing and my husband chasing after them telling them to leave mommy alone because she’s writing. It’s really nice to not be working anymore because I can get a lot done in the peace and quiet while they are both at school.
Were your kids born via c-section or vagina? Did your husband have the same reaction as Drew? Both of them via c-section. Daughter was an emergency and son was planned. My husband never saw anything down there aside from the doctor breaking my water with our daughter. He did, however, have Carter’s reaction in Futures and Frosting when he walked around the big sheet they drape in front of you and saw all my guts lying on the table next to me and had to step over a drainage tube coming out of my body. He still has nightmares about THOSE images! (Exactly the same as me! See? We are meant to be BFFs!)
Do you make up the t-shirts you write about or find them at inappropriate t-shirt sites? If you make them up, have you thought about selling them to those sites? I made up a few of them, but the majority are some of my favorites I’ve seen online before. And I do, in fact, sell a bunch of things from the series at my CafePress store: http://www.cafepress.com/sk/chocolateloverslane Fun gifts for the holidays!
Did you know where the series (at least the first 2 books) were going when you started writing? Or did you decide as you went along? I am definitely not good at doing an outline or planning much! I have a general idea of where I want the story to go, but I don’t know fully until I actually sit down and start writing and new ideas will pop into my head.
What is your favorite scene or line from the chocolate series? Carter’s proposal to Claire. (Can you say Beer Pong!?)
Do you have any actors or models in mind when you mentally cast the characters for an HBO show? Absolutely! (Tara provided the names of the actors, I found the photos, so they may not be exactly how she pictures them)
Wow, this is just how I pictured them!
Enter the giveaway for a signed copy of Trouble and Treats below.
Tara will be back here later this evening for the 2nd half of our interview and the Chrismukkah giveaway, so come back at 5:30 EST for more from Tara. In the meantime, check out my last interview with Tara, and the time I partied with the whole cast of The Chocolate Lovers Series. Then visit the other blogs on the tour:
Click here to view this Linky Tools list…
- My Favorite Books of 2012
- Seduction and Snacks by Tara Sivec is my new favorite book
- Futures and Frosting by Tara Sivec was Vagtastic!
- A joint interview with Tara Sivec
- Partying with the gang at Seduction and Snacks (This was so much fun!)
- The Chocolate Lovers Series by Tara Sivec
- My Top Summer Reads
- My Top 10 books from September to October 2012