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Chrismukkah 2015 Night 4 – Tara Sivec

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Those of you who have been following my blog know that Tara Sivec is kind of my favorite person. I mean…we’ve made out, and not many other women have been lucky enough to have their tongue in my mouth! lol Since I read Seduction and Snacks in 2012 I’ve had a stalker-like obsession for Tara. I figure she must be just like her characters, right? And I want to hang with them! So I started Wicked Book Weekend so I could actually meet her, and even stalked a way to get her to share a condo with me. She has been at every Wicked Book Event since and I wouldn’t do it without her. She will be there again in 2016.

And yes. She is as funny in person as her books are.

I was really worried when The Chocolate Lovers & Chocoholics Series ended. Who would make me pee my pants again? Who would make me laugh so hard that things shoot out of my body? Have no fear, Tara did it again with The Stocking was Hung, her newest Christmas story.

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Click to purchase The Stocking Was Hung

Keep in mind, Tara also writes emotional make you cry books, romantic suspense, erotic romance, and thrillers.

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I think her goal is to write in every genre, so I’m waiting for the dino porn or tentacle porn. Se all of her books on her Amazon page.

She loves me too, see?

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Tara gave me the biggest honor ever when I was acknowledged in Baking and Babies.

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She even sent me a Meerkat after my surgery! (Pictured here with the dick pillow from ZB Heller)

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If you have not experienced any Tara Sivec yet, head over to her Amazon page and get clicking. You won’t regret it.

Ana’s note: I have lost some author friends for not giving a 100% glowing reviews. Though I loved all of Tara’s books, I did not love some as much as others, and I go out of my way to be 100% honest in my reviews.

Tara has given us the exclusive pleasure of reading about her Elf on a Shelf escapades for this 4th night of Chrismukkah.

I’m sure you are all familiar with the Elf on the Shelf nonsense that happens every year at this time. The creepy little fucker you bring out of storage at Christmas to scare your children into behaving because “He’s always watching and every night when you go to sleep, he goes to the North Pole and reports back to Santa.”

My husband likes to make fun of me because I’m cheap. I’m not big into name brand crap so if I can find a cheaper version of something, it’s all mine.  I have a pair of Uggs from Target that I love, but you know, they’re from Target, so they aren’t REALLY Uggs.  My husband calls them Oofs.  “Honey, put your Oofs on. It’s time to get the kids from school.” Same with the Elf on the Shelf. Screw paying $34.95 for a stupid stuffed elf. I got a boy AND a girl elf on Amazon for $12.  Naturally, we call them The Dudes in the Cupboard instead of the Elves on the Shelf.

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I happily got on board the elf train a few years ago when my kids were smaller, mostly because swearing at them at such a young age is frowned upon. It was fun at first, I’m not gonna lie. Googling different things to do with the elf, searching Pinterest for ideas for the little stuffed dudes so the kids would laugh and or be completely on board with the whole “I’m watching you” thing so they’d stop acting like assholes so close to Christmas. We did crazy things like this where the elves were held hostage by some of the kid’s other toys.

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We stuck the elves in the tree and toilet papered the whole living room. We put out plates with half-eaten cookies and chocolate and crushed, empty cans of Mountain Dew after the elves had a late-night party with Barbie and friends. We did all that shit and more until we’d wake up at 3am and be like “SHIT! We forgot to do the elves!” and then we’d wind up just putting them on their pillows, watching them sleep or throwing them in the freezer with a note that said “Just chillin’”.  It became more of a hassle than fun and also, what the fuck is up with these little bastards always doing bad things???  Shit that I have to clean up after the kids go to school. Shit that really isn’t teaching the kids to behave, but to be little jerks who leave food out and never clean up after themselves. What we should have done is stick the elves by the cat’s litter box with a scooper in their hands, or put them by the kitchen sink doing dishes. But no. Year after year, we put them in crazy situations where they act like jerks and mess up my house. This year, when I unpacked the Christmas decorations and found the Dudes in the Cupboard at the bottom of a tote, I quickly put the lid back on before the kids saw them. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit this year. My son just turned 9 and my daughter will be 12 next month. While my son is still fully on board with the whole believing in Santa thing, I really feel like my daughter is just going along with it because she’s afraid she won’t get anything on Christmas if we know she doesn’t believe.

When they asked where the elves were, I told them the elves were sick of their shit last year and retired. They are now spending their days in the North Pole, living off a very nice pension and full medical benefits, ice fishing in the Arctic Circle with a few six packs of Schlitz beer. Then I had to explain to them what a pension is and also what Schlitz beer is and now I just feel old, but whatever. They are old enough now where I can swear at them and just threaten their lives to behave instead of making a bunch of messes I have to clean up every night. In the last week, my husband and I have uttered some very lovely threats that seem to be doing the trick, so I thought I’d share them with you.  Feel free to use any or all of them at your own leisure.

1. You want to know what’s scarier than a fat man with a beard in a red suit watching you sleep?  Me. I’m scarier when I catch you in a lie so cut that shit out before I ground you for life.

2. Shoot that Nerf gun at me one more time and I’ll let Santa come into your bedroom on Christmas Eve and pistol whip you with it while you’re sleeping.

3. Every time you argue with your brother, Santa shits in a box. On Christmas morning, you’re just going to open box after box of SHIT.

4. Roll your eyes at me one more time and I’m emailing Santa and telling him you’re an asshole. You want to know what assholes get on Christmas? Shit. They get shit.

5. Fine, don’t clean your room. On Christmas morning, I’m going to open all of your presents while you watch. And then I’m taking them back to the store and returning them for cash. Cash I will use to buy shoes. Don’t piss me off or I’ll make you go shoe shopping with me.

6. If I step on a Lego one more time in my bare feet, I’m telling Santa to bring you a pair of Lego shoes. Made upside down so you’re always stepping on fucking Legos when you walk.

7. Every time you forget to feed the dogs and cats, a reindeer dies.  Think of the reindeer, assholes.

8. Ooooh, look at that. I just got a text from Santa and he thinks you’re a dick. No, you can’t see the text. It’s a magical text and only people who aren’t dicks can see it.

9. Go ahead, keep acting like an asshole. You know mom’s Oofs? Instead of Monster High Dolls, Santa will bring you Juvenile Detention Dolls. Oh, you want an X-Box? Nope, Santa’s going to bring you a giant cardboard box with an X on it and an old TV remote. Good luck with that.

10. Christmas is cancelled, assholes.

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Comments

  1. Karen G. says

    You guys are hilarious! I never heard of the Elf before last year and think he is just creepy. The stuffed elves in your picture above look more fun. I bet your kids will miss your shenanigans tho, wondering what situation the elves find themselves in every year. =D And I will so use some of your threats! lol

    Reply

  3. Tracy H says

    I will never have enough Tara Sivec! Does she ever say anything that’s not HYSTERICALLY funny?! We have an Elf but he is very chill. Never does anything fun or creative because, well, that means a lot of work for me. 🙂 I’m totally stealing some of those threats! My 7 year old will be the best behaved kid EVER!

    Reply

  6. Jenny Rapp says

    OMG!!!!! I love Tara. I would pay a lot of money to be a fly on her wall. She is hysterical, and I wish I had some of these threats when my son was younger.

    Reply

  8. Jenn Donald says

    Happy Holidays! I’m a huge Tara Sivec fan, loved her since first reading Seduction & Snacks! 🙂

    Reply

  11. Melissa Jones says

    Love this….NEED to copy down all Tara’s recommended threats, freakin hilarious!! Thanks for the giveaway!!

    Reply

  14. Tricia Wilkins says

    I am so glad my kids are all older and I don’t have to mess with this Elf on the Shelf crap. LOL

    Reply

  19. Jennifer says

    Thanks for this Tara is my favorite author and I love you blog you guys are an awesome combination xoxox

    Reply

  21. Amber Smith says

    Love Tara Sivec and she is absolutely just as hilarious in person! Especially with alcohol in her system! Lol!

    Reply

  24. Julie C. says

    I’m happy my kids are adults and I don’t have to worry about Elf on the Shelf. I bought Elf for my grandkids and my kids get to do the shenanigans for them. Ha ha ha!

    Reply

  28. Kristen says

    Thank you both for being so damn awesome!! This was fantastic to read, I needed to laugh!
    I can’t stand that freaky elf thing and I’m one of the weird people. Love the threats to the kids, I learned a few new ones.
    The Stocking Was Hung is hilarious! I’ve read it twice and try to force everyone I know to read it!

    Reply

  33. Stephanie W says

    I love your story about the “Dudes in the Cupboard”! Thanks for making me laugh so hard I peed my pants!

    Reply

  34. Michelle says

    I loved The Stocking was Hung, it was my very first Tara Sivec book and would love to read more!! Ty for the chance. ❤️

    Reply

  39. Stephanie Lashbrook says

    Never did the Elf on the Shelf thing; that was hilarious though! Thanks for the chance!

    Reply

  41. Jane Nelson says

    HAHAHA! Love your “Dudes in a cupboard” idea! So much better than the elf on a shelf thing! Those things ARE creepy! Great giveaway! Thank you for the chance! 🙂

    Reply

  45. Kim says

    Loved her new book The Stocking was Hung. I laughed a lot and fully enjoyed the book didn’t want it to end. Thank you for the giveaway.

    Reply

  53. Jaime says

    This book is slowly making its way up my tbr list. Thank you for the giveaway and happy holidays to all of you!

    Reply

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