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Chrismukkah 2015 Night 4 – Tara Sivec

12/10/2015

Chrismuk2015_N4

Those of you who have been following my blog know that Tara Sivec is kind of my favorite person. I mean…we’ve made out, and not many other women have been lucky enough to have their tongue in my mouth! lol Since I read Seduction and Snacks in 2012 I’ve had a stalker-like obsession for Tara. I figure she must be just like her characters, right? And I want to hang with them! So I started Wicked Book Weekend so I could actually meet her, and even stalked a way to get her to share a condo with me. She has been at every Wicked Book Event since and I wouldn’t do it without her. She will be there again in 2016.

And yes. She is as funny in person as her books are.

I was really worried when The Chocolate Lovers & Chocoholics Series ended. Who would make me pee my pants again? Who would make me laugh so hard that things shoot out of my body? Have no fear, Tara did it again with The Stocking was Hung, her newest Christmas story.

Screen Shot 2015-12-09 at 11.00.47 PM

Click to purchase The Stocking Was Hung

Keep in mind, Tara also writes emotional make you cry books, romantic suspense, erotic romance, and thrillers.

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I think her goal is to write in every genre, so I’m waiting for the dino porn or tentacle porn. Se all of her books on her Amazon page.

She loves me too, see?

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Tara gave me the biggest honor ever when I was acknowledged in Baking and Babies.

Screen Shot 2015-12-10 at 2.39.15 AM

She even sent me a Meerkat after my surgery! (Pictured here with the dick pillow from ZB Heller)

Meerkat dick

If you have not experienced any Tara Sivec yet, head over to her Amazon page and get clicking. You won’t regret it.

Ana’s note: I have lost some author friends for not giving a 100% glowing reviews. Though I loved all of Tara’s books, I did not love some as much as others, and I go out of my way to be 100% honest in my reviews.

Tara has given us the exclusive pleasure of reading about her Elf on a Shelf escapades for this 4th night of Chrismukkah.

I’m sure you are all familiar with the Elf on the Shelf nonsense that happens every year at this time. The creepy little fucker you bring out of storage at Christmas to scare your children into behaving because “He’s always watching and every night when you go to sleep, he goes to the North Pole and reports back to Santa.”

My husband likes to make fun of me because I’m cheap. I’m not big into name brand crap so if I can find a cheaper version of something, it’s all mine.  I have a pair of Uggs from Target that I love, but you know, they’re from Target, so they aren’t REALLY Uggs.  My husband calls them Oofs.  “Honey, put your Oofs on. It’s time to get the kids from school.” Same with the Elf on the Shelf. Screw paying $34.95 for a stupid stuffed elf. I got a boy AND a girl elf on Amazon for $12.  Naturally, we call them The Dudes in the Cupboard instead of the Elves on the Shelf.

Photo 1

I happily got on board the elf train a few years ago when my kids were smaller, mostly because swearing at them at such a young age is frowned upon. It was fun at first, I’m not gonna lie. Googling different things to do with the elf, searching Pinterest for ideas for the little stuffed dudes so the kids would laugh and or be completely on board with the whole “I’m watching you” thing so they’d stop acting like assholes so close to Christmas. We did crazy things like this where the elves were held hostage by some of the kid’s other toys.

Photo 2

We stuck the elves in the tree and toilet papered the whole living room. We put out plates with half-eaten cookies and chocolate and crushed, empty cans of Mountain Dew after the elves had a late-night party with Barbie and friends. We did all that shit and more until we’d wake up at 3am and be like “SHIT! We forgot to do the elves!” and then we’d wind up just putting them on their pillows, watching them sleep or throwing them in the freezer with a note that said “Just chillin’”.  It became more of a hassle than fun and also, what the fuck is up with these little bastards always doing bad things???  Shit that I have to clean up after the kids go to school. Shit that really isn’t teaching the kids to behave, but to be little jerks who leave food out and never clean up after themselves. What we should have done is stick the elves by the cat’s litter box with a scooper in their hands, or put them by the kitchen sink doing dishes. But no. Year after year, we put them in crazy situations where they act like jerks and mess up my house. This year, when I unpacked the Christmas decorations and found the Dudes in the Cupboard at the bottom of a tote, I quickly put the lid back on before the kids saw them. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit this year. My son just turned 9 and my daughter will be 12 next month. While my son is still fully on board with the whole believing in Santa thing, I really feel like my daughter is just going along with it because she’s afraid she won’t get anything on Christmas if we know she doesn’t believe.

When they asked where the elves were, I told them the elves were sick of their shit last year and retired. They are now spending their days in the North Pole, living off a very nice pension and full medical benefits, ice fishing in the Arctic Circle with a few six packs of Schlitz beer. Then I had to explain to them what a pension is and also what Schlitz beer is and now I just feel old, but whatever. They are old enough now where I can swear at them and just threaten their lives to behave instead of making a bunch of messes I have to clean up every night. In the last week, my husband and I have uttered some very lovely threats that seem to be doing the trick, so I thought I’d share them with you.  Feel free to use any or all of them at your own leisure.

1. You want to know what’s scarier than a fat man with a beard in a red suit watching you sleep?  Me. I’m scarier when I catch you in a lie so cut that shit out before I ground you for life.

2. Shoot that Nerf gun at me one more time and I’ll let Santa come into your bedroom on Christmas Eve and pistol whip you with it while you’re sleeping.

3. Every time you argue with your brother, Santa shits in a box. On Christmas morning, you’re just going to open box after box of SHIT.

4. Roll your eyes at me one more time and I’m emailing Santa and telling him you’re an asshole. You want to know what assholes get on Christmas? Shit. They get shit.

5. Fine, don’t clean your room. On Christmas morning, I’m going to open all of your presents while you watch. And then I’m taking them back to the store and returning them for cash. Cash I will use to buy shoes. Don’t piss me off or I’ll make you go shoe shopping with me.

6. If I step on a Lego one more time in my bare feet, I’m telling Santa to bring you a pair of Lego shoes. Made upside down so you’re always stepping on fucking Legos when you walk.

7. Every time you forget to feed the dogs and cats, a reindeer dies.  Think of the reindeer, assholes.

8. Ooooh, look at that. I just got a text from Santa and he thinks you’re a dick. No, you can’t see the text. It’s a magical text and only people who aren’t dicks can see it.

9. Go ahead, keep acting like an asshole. You know mom’s Oofs? Instead of Monster High Dolls, Santa will bring you Juvenile Detention Dolls. Oh, you want an X-Box? Nope, Santa’s going to bring you a giant cardboard box with an X on it and an old TV remote. Good luck with that.

10. Christmas is cancelled, assholes.

anas_attic_giveaway_barChrismuk2015_N4_SQUARE

Make sure you also enter the overall giveaway for 2 tickets to Wicked Book Weekend or a Kindle Fire!

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Related posts:

  • July 2022 Review and Release RecapJuly 2022 Review and Release Recap
  • Spare Me by Tara Sivec Book ReviewSpare Me by Tara Sivec | Book Review
  • Top Picks: Books about BooksTop Picks: Books about Books
  • New Kindle and Audiobook Releases, Sales and Freebies | July 2022New Kindle and Audiobook Releases, Sales and Freebies | July 2022
  • June 2022 Book ReleasesJune 2022 Book and Audiobook Release and Review Recap
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Comments

  1. Karen G. says

    12/10/2015 at 7:36 am

    You guys are hilarious! I never heard of the Elf before last year and think he is just creepy. The stuffed elves in your picture above look more fun. I bet your kids will miss your shenanigans tho, wondering what situation the elves find themselves in every year. =D And I will so use some of your threats! lol

    Reply
  2. Cassie says

    12/10/2015 at 9:17 am

    Happy Thursday!! Thanks for sharing your elf antics

    Reply
  3. Tracy H says

    12/10/2015 at 9:25 am

    I will never have enough Tara Sivec! Does she ever say anything that’s not HYSTERICALLY funny?! We have an Elf but he is very chill. Never does anything fun or creative because, well, that means a lot of work for me. 🙂 I’m totally stealing some of those threats! My 7 year old will be the best behaved kid EVER!

    Reply
  4. Sue LeBlanc says

    12/10/2015 at 9:33 am

    I love Tara Sivec too!!!

    Reply
  5. Jenn says

    12/10/2015 at 10:02 am

    I love Tara Sivec. I read anything she writes

    Reply
  6. Jenny Rapp says

    12/10/2015 at 10:14 am

    OMG!!!!! I love Tara. I would pay a lot of money to be a fly on her wall. She is hysterical, and I wish I had some of these threats when my son was younger.

    Reply
  7. Maria Malaveci says

    12/10/2015 at 11:25 am

    Thanks so much for the giveaway!!!!!!

    Reply
  8. Jenn Donald says

    12/10/2015 at 11:51 am

    Happy Holidays! I’m a huge Tara Sivec fan, loved her since first reading Seduction & Snacks! 🙂

    Reply
  9. Laina G says

    12/10/2015 at 12:25 pm

    I read The Stocking Was Hung and I could NOT stop laughing!!! Thanks!

    Reply
  10. Amy R says

    12/10/2015 at 1:10 pm

    The Stocking Was Hung was hilarious.

    Reply
  11. Melissa Jones says

    12/10/2015 at 1:14 pm

    Love this….NEED to copy down all Tara’s recommended threats, freakin hilarious!! Thanks for the giveaway!!

    Reply
  12. Bev says

    12/10/2015 at 1:58 pm

    Chrismukkah In an of itself is genius. I love the Stocking was Hung. I laughed my ass off

    Reply
  13. Holly Wilderman says

    12/10/2015 at 2:34 pm

    Tara is my favorite! ?

    Reply
  14. Tricia Wilkins says

    12/10/2015 at 2:36 pm

    I am so glad my kids are all older and I don’t have to mess with this Elf on the Shelf crap. LOL

    Reply
  15. Gina says

    12/10/2015 at 3:28 pm

    LOVE Tara’s books!!! This post is hilarious! Thanks

    Reply
  16. Carrie J says

    12/10/2015 at 3:30 pm

    This was hilarious. I have tears running down my face.

    Reply
  17. Victoria says

    12/10/2015 at 3:46 pm

    Great post!! Thanks so much for sharing, I got a good laugh out of this one 🙂

    Reply
  18. Loraine Oliver says

    12/10/2015 at 5:39 pm

    You know I have to enter this one -love Tara Sivec so much! Thanks Ana’s Attic book blog for having this on the contest!

    Reply
  19. Jennifer says

    12/10/2015 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks for this Tara is my favorite author and I love you blog you guys are an awesome combination xoxox

    Reply
  20. Charlene E says

    12/10/2015 at 7:10 pm

    Love Tara! Thanks so much for the giveaway!

    Reply
  21. Amber Smith says

    12/10/2015 at 7:16 pm

    Love Tara Sivec and she is absolutely just as hilarious in person! Especially with alcohol in her system! Lol!

    Reply
  22. Heather Linda says

    12/10/2015 at 8:22 pm

    This is hilarious!!!!

    Reply
  23. Maria Theresa Santos says

    12/10/2015 at 9:06 pm

    LOve Tara

    Reply
  24. Julie C. says

    12/10/2015 at 10:28 pm

    I’m happy my kids are adults and I don’t have to worry about Elf on the Shelf. I bought Elf for my grandkids and my kids get to do the shenanigans for them. Ha ha ha!

    Reply
  25. Pam says

    12/10/2015 at 10:35 pm

    I love Tara’s books!

    Reply
  26. Elle Magnussen says

    12/11/2015 at 3:20 am

    Thanks for the giveaway!! Merry Christmas!

    Reply
  27. Shelly S. says

    12/11/2015 at 9:57 am

    Tara Sivec is on my list of authors to check out! Thank you for the giveaway!

    Reply
  28. Kristen says

    12/11/2015 at 10:56 am

    Thank you both for being so damn awesome!! This was fantastic to read, I needed to laugh!
    I can’t stand that freaky elf thing and I’m one of the weird people. Love the threats to the kids, I learned a few new ones.
    The Stocking Was Hung is hilarious! I’ve read it twice and try to force everyone I know to read it!

    Reply
  29. Aline Pack says

    12/11/2015 at 5:11 pm

    Thank you for the giveaway
    Merry Christmas

    Reply
  30. Kristin Reh says

    12/12/2015 at 10:23 am

    Tara Sivec ROCKS!

    Reply
  31. Diana Doan says

    12/12/2015 at 12:10 pm

    Thank you for the giveaway!

    Reply
  32. Susie says

    12/12/2015 at 12:36 pm

    A penis pillow.. that’s a first.

    Reply
  33. Stephanie W says

    12/12/2015 at 1:02 pm

    I love your story about the “Dudes in the Cupboard”! Thanks for making me laugh so hard I peed my pants!

    Reply
  34. Michelle says

    12/12/2015 at 3:18 pm

    I loved The Stocking was Hung, it was my very first Tara Sivec book and would love to read more!! Ty for the chance. ❤️

    Reply
  35. Barbara Stoker says

    12/12/2015 at 8:03 pm

    Awesome giveaway, now I need to do an elf on the shelf

    Reply
  36. Trisha Lindsay says

    12/12/2015 at 8:40 pm

    Thanks for the chance!

    Reply
  37. Bex says

    12/12/2015 at 10:38 pm

    Love Tara Sivec! Seduction and Snacks is one of my fave rom-coms ever!!

    Reply
  38. Rachelle says

    12/13/2015 at 1:33 am

    Awesome post ?

    Reply
  39. Stephanie Lashbrook says

    12/13/2015 at 2:17 am

    Never did the Elf on the Shelf thing; that was hilarious though! Thanks for the chance!

    Reply
  40. Rebecca Graham says

    12/13/2015 at 4:12 am

    So adorable! Live her books!

    Reply
  41. Jane Nelson says

    12/13/2015 at 7:23 am

    HAHAHA! Love your “Dudes in a cupboard” idea! So much better than the elf on a shelf thing! Those things ARE creepy! Great giveaway! Thank you for the chance! 🙂

    Reply
  42. Zita R says

    12/13/2015 at 9:29 am

    Thanks for the give-away! Happy Holidays!

    Reply
  43. Amy P. says

    12/13/2015 at 10:55 am

    I love Tara’s books!

    Reply
  44. Nancy Jones says

    12/13/2015 at 11:59 am

    Thanks for the chance to win!

    Reply
  45. Kim says

    12/13/2015 at 12:11 pm

    Loved her new book The Stocking was Hung. I laughed a lot and fully enjoyed the book didn’t want it to end. Thank you for the giveaway.

    Reply
  46. Gina Hester says

    12/13/2015 at 1:39 pm

    Love that dick pillow! LOL! Thanks for the giveaway!

    Reply
  47. bn100 says

    12/13/2015 at 2:05 pm

    interesting pillow

    Reply
  48. Salli Singleton says

    12/13/2015 at 7:50 pm

    Love Tara Sivec’s books! Thanks for the chance to win!

    Reply
  49. Debbie Rice says

    12/13/2015 at 8:09 pm

    I love all of Tsra’s books just soo good

    Reply
  50. Kim Perry says

    12/13/2015 at 10:25 pm

    Love Tara Sivec! Thanks for the great giveaway!!

    Reply
  51. Mary M. says

    12/14/2015 at 12:11 am

    Love Tara’s alternative suggestions to Elf on the Shelf!

    Reply
  52. Kim Holliday says

    12/14/2015 at 1:22 am

    Thx for the giveaway! Merry Christmas!

    Reply
  53. Jaime says

    12/14/2015 at 6:58 am

    This book is slowly making its way up my tbr list. Thank you for the giveaway and happy holidays to all of you!

    Reply
  54. angelina says

    12/14/2015 at 5:52 pm

    Thanks for the chance! <3

    Reply
  55. Catherine Bates says

    12/15/2015 at 8:03 am

    Love Tara! So excited finally get to meet her in March

    Reply
  56. Sara Sherman says

    12/15/2015 at 12:16 pm

    Thanks for the chance!

    Reply
  57. Stacie says

    12/15/2015 at 11:58 pm

    LOVE The Stocking Was Hung!! Definitely a Holiday Favorite that I will read again. Thanks for the chance to win!!

    Reply
  58. Ashley C says

    12/16/2015 at 10:41 pm

    Thanks for the chance 🙂

    Reply
  59. JennSmith says

    12/16/2015 at 11:11 pm

    Man, I love Tara!

    Reply
  60. Olivia Tan says

    12/17/2015 at 6:53 am

    i love her books. thank you for the chance 🙂

    Reply
  61. Amber Brumbaugh says

    12/17/2015 at 8:48 am

    Great giveaway! Thanks for the chance!

    Reply

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🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3zlKSDN
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Photo taken at #barnesandnoble 
#audiobookreview #bookreview #moviereview #bookstomovies #bookstagram #booktomovie #booktok #deliaowens #reesewitherspoon #bookclub #kindle #audible #swampgirl #hypedbooks
I’m trying to read some of the hyped books to te I’m trying to read some of the hyped books to tell you if they’re worth it. If you are a Kristen Ashley fan, I think you’ll enjoy Things We Never Got Over by Lucy Score.  And if you liked Things We Never Got Over, you MUST try Kristen Ashley!
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THINGS WE NEVER GOT OVER:
📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3Bp14XD
🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3PLaD7r
đź’»My review: https://anasattic.com/things-we-never-got-over/
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See my Complete Guide to Kristen Ashley: https://anasattic.com/the-complete-guide-to-kristen-ashley/
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#bookreview #bookcoverlove #bookstagram #booktok #hypedbooks #popularbooks #lucyscore #bookish #booklover #booksbooksbooks #recommendedreading #amreadingromance
This week had so many new book and audiobook relea This week had so many new book and audiobook releases that I couldn’t fit them in a screenshot. There are also a TON of sales that end in 3 days! Check them all out, always the top post at anasattic.com
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#romancebooks #bookstagram #newreleases #booksales #audiobooks #freebooks #audiobookdeals #kindle #audible #romancebookstagram #romancereads #newbooks #99centbooks #booksonsale
NOW LIVE EVERYWHERE! Grab it fast if you don’t u NOW LIVE EVERYWHERE! Grab it fast if you don’t use Amazon because it will go to KU in 2 days.

“A nerd fell in love with a nut job, and that’s some Summersweet Island, magical fairy-tale sh!t you just don’t mess with.”

It’s no secret that @authortarasivec is my favorite author, and The Summersweet Island Series perfectly illustrates why. Spare Me is a zany, feel-good comedy that’s a great read between dark or sad books. Who am I kidding? It’s the perfect read anytime. This series is getting long, so it might seem overwhelming if you haven’t started yet, but let me assure you, these are all fast and fun reads and it’s SO WORTH IT. I loved Spare Me and spending time with my favorite Summersweet characters again.

📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3J44YHl
đź’»My review: https://anasattic.com/spare-me-by-tara-sivec/
 (top post at anasattic.com)
See the whole series in order plus links to all my reviews and the couple from each book: https://anasattic.com/the-summersweet-island-series-by-tara-sivec/

#newbookrelease #bookreview #fivestars #tarasivec #favoriteauthor #romcom #romcomreads #romanticcomedybooks #summersweetisland #laughoutloudbooks #romancereads #romancenovels #bowling #sexybooks
Did you ever pick a book just for the cover or tit Did you ever pick a book just for the cover or title? In this case it was both! How cute and funny does this look? I bought it and got it signed at the Naughty Nashville event and I’m finally getting to read it. I hope it lives up to the cover. 
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Oops I’ve Fallen by @authormaxmonroe :
📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3v9NFi8 (on sale for $2.49 or in KU)
🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3OzNa7X

#currentlyreading #amreadingromance #maxmonroe #romanticcomedybooks #romcomreads #romancenovels #audiblebooks #audiobook #bookcoverlove #booklover #amreading #audiobooklover #audibleromance #hooplabooks
“Ever since the moment you walked off the elevat “Ever since the moment you walked off the elevator at Cane Enterprises, I’ve been waiting for the moment to call you my girl.”

@meghanquinnbooks never fails to make me laugh out loud. Have you read So Not Meant To Be yet?

📚Read So Not Meant To Be: https://amzn.to/3HkhVvG
🎧Listen to So Not Meant To Be: https://amzn.to/3xOqkUO
đź’»My review: https://anasattic.com/so-not-meant-to-be/

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#audiobookreview #bookreview #meghanquinn #romcomreads #romancereads #kindleunlimited #audible #feelgoodbooks #amreadingromance #audiobookrecommendations #audibleromance #favoriteauthor #oneclick #romancenovels
I just finished my ARC of SPARE ME by @authortaras I just finished my ARC of SPARE ME by @authortarasivec and it was SO GOOD! The whole Summersweet Island series is an all-time feel-good favorite!

🎳SPARE ME releases 7/25: https://amzn.to/3RLiinT

Start the series with Kiss My Putt for 99¢: https://amzn.to/3yWnpJa
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#favoriteauthor #romcombooks #arcreader #comingsoon #bookish #booklover #tarasivec #bowling #cinnamonroll #smalltownromance #funnybooks #reviewtocome #bookshelf
“I think the problem is that I’m not the kind “I think the problem is that I’m not the kind of person to fall in and out of love.”
And now her pulse was pounding. The implication landed heavily.
But she asked anyway: “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I fell in love once and stayed there.”

I had super high hopes for the latest Christina Lauren release, but sadly this one didn’t quite live up to my expectations. I liked it ok, but wanted to love it. 
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📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3nwjLQO
🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3IbGdsk
đź’»My review: https://anasattic.com/something-wilder/
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#Bookstagram #audiobookstagram #romancereads #audibleromance #amreadingromance #amlistening #booklover #bookreview #audiobookreview
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