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Beginning BDSM and Spanking 101-Fulfilling Her Fifty Shades Fantasies

07/10/2012

Your lover wants to get naughty but is embarrassed to ask. You’ve heard of Fifty Shades of Grey, right? This is the book sweeping through the world now, and women all over are fantasizing about being dominated. This is not a new phenomenon at all, it has just brought our fantasies out in the open, and the women (and men, but for this article I will refer to the submissive as a female) who want this Domination are all very different. Some want it all the time, and live their lives in a 24/7 master/slave relationship. Others only practice in the bedroom, and others just want to play at it once in a while.

Background & Disclaimer:  First of all, I must explain. I am not an expert by any means. I don’t even live the BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism also the DS is for Domination/submission) lifestyle, though my husband and I play in the bedroom, and we are slowly taking it further. But I found there isn’t much information for the men out there to just get started, and I spent a lot of time researching. Plus, I get where your wives are coming from. I read Fifty Shades of Grey and wanted more “kinky fuckery” too. This is a little guide to get started playing out your wife or girlfriend’s fantasies. This advice is for a couple already in a trusting relationship.

Nice Guys:  I know, you’re a nice guy. You would never think about hurting, abusing or humiliating your wife. But, you want to satisfy her, right? There is no reason to be afraid to bring some spice into the bedroom. If your lover is interested in this type of play, you are only doing what she wants. This is role playing, just play the role. The keys to this type of play is: “Safe, Sane & Consensual”. It is important that you discuss both of your limits beforehand, and you start slowly and safely (Don’t even think about using a whip on a person if you’ve never tried!)

Domination/submission is also referred to as a Power Exchange. While the dominant is in control, the submissive always has the power to use her safe word and stop everything.

The Psychology (IMHO):     Nowadays, women have more responsibilities than ever. Many women have stressful careers, or are juggling the kids all day. Most women I know don’t want to have to make decisions in bed as well. We don’t want to worry if we are doing it the way you like it–tell us! We dream of the guy who can just take control and push us a little past our comfort zone at just the right time and speed. The man who can read our bodies so well they know when to speed up, slow down or pound harder–and we want the guy that’s going to just snap and ‘take us’ passionately.  It is in a woman’s nature, as much as we fight it, to be dominated a bit by a man (don’t trash me, why do you think we read ‘bodice rippers’?). Men are bigger, stronger and more aggressive. Show that to your woman (just don’t be a dick about it)! The more controlling your woman is in all aspects of her life, the more pleasure she can derive from releasing that same control to a loving partner who she trusts. (Do NOT betray that trust!)

For those of you whose lover has read Fifty Shades or books like it, it is easy to get started. You probably know she liked it already (didn’t you notice those days when she couldn’t keep her hands off you in between reading her kindle?). Otherwise, listen for clues from her, she may tell you she loved when you grabbed her hard or kissed her rough.  No matter what though, there should be some type of discussion (when you are not in the bedroom) about both of your fantasies, and try setting up some light rules to start about things that you both might like to try, and things that you won’t try.

First Time:    For your first time, don’t invest a lot of money. Plan ahead and have some items ready to go. Have a nice dinner, then take her into the bedroom.  Use a firm commanding voice, and have her take off her clothes. Tell her you are in charge for the night, and to say the word “RED” (or a word of her choosing) if she really, truly, wants you to stop everything you are doing (**and you will!**), “yellow” can slow you down, or give you a chance to see what the problem is.  Tell her to lie down or even have her kneel in front of you to start. Keep your clothes on for a bit to make her feel a little more vulnerable. Look at her, admire her, position her and move her just the way you want. YOU are in charge, SHE is your plaything. Get one of your ties (if you have a silver or grey one, use it, believe me) and tie her hands together above her head or to the headboard, checking that it isn’t too tight (re-check often). Get a blindfold, tie or scarf and cover her eyes. This will make her other senses have to work harder, and make her anticipate everything more acutely. Tell her to obey your commands or she will be punished. Have her spread her legs.

IMPORTANT: make sure you tell her now how beautiful she is and how much she turns you on. Praise her for obeying you. Call her ‘good girl’  or something similar when she listens. She wants to please you.

Tease: The idea is to make her beg you for more, not race for the big O. Spend time, play with her breasts. Touch her only lightly down below. Touch her everywhere with different items, furry, feathery, rough, whatever. Try different things–a pastry or paint brush, a feather, ice, a scrubber, anything. Try it on your inner thigh first to see how it feels. She is blindfolded and tied up. Helpless. Use that anticipation. Move around her, never let her know what is coming next or from where. When she starts wiggling for more, turn her a bit and give her a little swat on her ass, and command her to be still (or quiet).  If you can, tie her legs apart. When she starts to get more excited, have her talk to you. Make her tell you what she wants.

Oral:  Use your mouth everywhere (if you don’t do this already, then there is no hope for you unless you start now). Suck, kiss, nibble and lick her anywhere & everywhere you want. If you want her to suck you, tell her what to do and how to do it.

Anal play:   If you have never talked about it or tried any anal play, once she is wet and excited, moisten one fingertip with her cream and just press firmly against her rear opening. Don’t go in, at all, without lube (and lots of it). But tease her back there and see how she responds. Most women are embarrassed to admit how much they might want that (it feels so dirty!), so push past that. If you see she is enjoying the stimulation, push for more each time. The anal area is filled with a ton of nerves that are very closely connected to the vagina, and that, combined with the little pain, a little fear, and a little ‘dirtiness’ can go a long way by itself.

Be Observant:  Watch her. Pay attention to everything, her breathing, her squirming, her flushed skin. The more you learn her body, the further you can go. Trust is the key. Your woman just gave you her body to do with as you please, and she trusts you to do right by it. Don’t ask if what you are doing is OK–just do it. YOU are in charge. Domination is more mental than physical. She needs to know you are in charge of both of your pleasure.

Pain: A little pain can sometimes be a good thing too. The closer she is to orgasm, the more pain can be turned to pleasure. Tweak her nipples a little harder, or untie her and give her a hard slap on the ass. Tell her not to come without permission, bring her to the edge and back a few times until you give permission. Don’t let her “top from the bottom” too much, which means she is telling you what to do. It’s not easy for us to let our bossy, bitchy nature go, but when we do it’s so much better. She didn’t follow your instructions quickly enough? Uh oh…….. regretfully you have to really give her a spanking.

First Spanking:  Take it easy, use a hand, not a spanking implement the first time. Rub her intermittently between spanks, and check to see if she is enjoying herself (is she wet?). BEWARE of the lower back and tailbone. Keep it on the fleshy part of the rear and thighs. A lot of women also like having their clit slapped. See if she does by slapping her lightly there.

Aftercare:  After a scene, aftercare is very important. Cuddle, talk about what you liked and didn’t like, and let her know how much she pleased you.

If you see this worked out, add some more things to your repertoire. Go to the Red Room of Pain/Erotic Playroom (you will need to click Enter again to see any items) and check out some items there. Wrist and ankle cuffs, a blindfold, a leather paddle (more noisy than painful) and possibly a small anal plug are great beginner toys. Sportsheets makes a great all in one set under bed kit, but if you were a boy scout, you can probably whip up something with rope under the mattress. You can also visit Amazon’s new Shades of Grey store.

Rules for Bondage:

  • Watch circulation, check to make sure nothing is too tight.
  • Never leave them alone.
  • Untie and move positions (massaging shoulders) often.
  • Make sure you have a 1 minute rule. You need to be able to get your partner untied in one minute or less. Some fabrics like silk scarves and pantyhose can hold a good knot and tighten on you, so have scissors nearby.

Rules for Anal Play:

  • Always use lube, lots of it.
  • Never put anything that has been in another person’s anus in their vagina after.
  • Make sure anything that goes in the rear entrance has a wide base that won’t go in. I promise, when you least expect it, a lubed up vibe can just slip right up there. Now that would be an interesting trip to the ER!

Rules for Spanking:

  • Never hit the lower back/kidney area
  • Beware of the tailbone, they can be injured easily

Keep your relationship fresh. Try new things. Here are a few ideas:

  • FaceTime her from work and have her do something, like touch herself for you.
  • Tell her not to wear underwear when you go out for dinner and tease her all night.
  • Have her call you “Sir” or “Master”.
  • Command her to get on her knees and suck you off, telling her exactly how you want it. (See guys, it’s not only about tying her up and pleasuring her).
  • Have her bend over the arm of the couch and spank her just because you want to see her ass red, and it pleases you.
  • Pull her hair firmly while you ravage her mouth.
  • Push her against the wall, holding her hands over her head and touch her anywhere you want.
  • Buy a new toy, play with it in every way, have her pleasure herself for you.
  • Try using a blindfold and headphones on her while she is tied up, so she can only feel.
  • Get a remote controlled wearable vibrator and torture her when you are out together
  • Buy a magic wand and hold in on her as she comes over and over.
Women, click on the title of the post to bring it up in its own window so you can send it to your man.
.
For further reading on this topic here are some of the more well-known books:
The Loving Dominant by John & Libby Warren
Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller & Molly Devon
SM101-A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
The Control Book by Peter Masters
.
If any Masters, or experts on the subject would like to chime in, correct my information or anything, please do so in the comments.
.
Related Posts:
  • So You Want Him To Spank You? Getting Your Man To Have Fifty Shades Of Fun
  • All I can Say is WOW

 

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Ana’s Attic Book and Audiobook Blog was established in 2012.

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When I was 37, my 7 year old begged me daily for a When I was 37, my 7 year old begged me daily for a little brother (or sister). We obliged, but because of my age and I had lupus, the pregnancy was high-risk. At 17 weeks I had an amniocentesis. 2 weeks later we got the devastating news that our baby, the sibling my son was begging for, had some major genetic abnormalities, plus heart problems. If she survived the birth she would need multiple surgeries & would likely never leave the hospital. 

We made the most devastating decision to end the pregnancy. The baby we made FOR my son would just devastate him. It would take me away from him. He would watch her suffer and be in pain. And how would we pay for it all?

Four months after, I became pregnant again with my wonderful son who is now 16.  Despite 8 years difference, he and his brother are best friends. They have both had a great life with a mom who was fully present for both of them.

I thank Roe v Wade every day that I was able to make that CHOICE. It was the most devastating, horrible decision we ever had to make. But it was the RIGHT CHOICE, both for that baby & my family. Plus, my son wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t made that CHOICE. These decisions are NEVER easy. They are deeply personal and usually devastating. 

Until the government can pay to keep all these babies fed, clothed and homed. Until they can pay for medical bills and the parents to leave work, until they can provide for the needs of the babies women are forced to have, they need to stay out of our bodies. I’m scared for the future of all of our rights.

@pocketsized_pageturner will donate $1 to @brigidalliance (provides travel assistance to those seeking abortions), $1 to @wrrapreprojustice (volunteer organization rasing money to help low income individuals access abortions and emergency contraceptives), and $`1 to @nationalabortionfederation (helping those in the US and Canada gain access to abortions through financial and travel assistance with a multilingual hotline) for every pink stack posted by May 31 with the #stackforreproductiverights. ⁣
⁣
#bookstack #bookstacks #pinkstack #bookstackforacause #pinkbooks #bookstackchallenge #prochoice
I love reading about older couples! Flirting with I love reading about older couples! Flirting with Fifty by Jane Porter could have been a little more exciting, but I still enjoyed the read, and can recommend this to any women looking for older couples in their romances.

💻My ARC review: https://anasattic.com/flirting-with-fifty/
📚Pre-order Book: https://amzn.to/3wxqxeN
🎧Pre-order audiobook: https://amzn.to/3yGbosZ

#Bookreview #Janeporter #arcreview #netgalley #preorder #oldercouple #midliferomance #midlifereads #romancereads #maybookreleases
“It’s called hot flashes, Dean. Don’t judge “It’s called hot flashes, Dean. Don’t judge me.” 
“Oh, I’ll give you hot flashes.”

Nobody else but Tara Sivec can make me literally laugh out loud and bawl my eyes out at the same time. I look for books with older couples, so I’ve read a good number of them, but this portrayal actually felt the most real of any to me.
With This Flirt by @authortarasivec is my first 5++ star book of 2022!

Kindle: https://amzn.to/389abiH
My Review: https://anasattic.com/with-this-fling-tara-sivec/

#bookstagram #bookreview #tarasivec #5stars #romanticcomedy #romancereads #arcreview  #favoriteauthor #oldercouple #midlifelove #bookquote #bookstagrammer #romancebookstagram #laughoutloud #bookrecommendations
When the author of your all-time favorite series r When the author of your all-time favorite series releases the first book from the male POV, you run to read it and hope it doesn’t ruin it for you. I’m happy to say @jfrostauthor just made me love Cat and Bones more. 

If you are a fan of Cat and Bones, or you just want to start a new series, I 100% recommend The Other Half of the Grave by Jeaniene Frost.

💻My review: https://anasattic.com/the-other-half-of-the-grave/
📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3LfLOys
🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3kc3qiF
—
#paranormalromance #pnr #romancereads #newrelease #arcreview #bookreview #favoriteseries #catandbones #vampires #jeanienefrost #nighthuntress #booklover #kindle #audible #5stars
The last day of @passion.con made me sad! I wish w The last day of @passion.con made me sad! I wish we had another day, but we got to see seals!  I can’t wait for next year. 
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#passioncon #passionista #passionistaparadise @toscamusk @passionflix @melaniezanetti #bookboyfriends
Saturday night fun at @passion.con - they did our Saturday night fun at @passion.con - they did our hair and makeup and we had a fabulous night! @toscamusk, the whole @passionflix team plus all the actors and authors were amazing! I can’t wait to come back next year. 
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#passionflix #passioncon #passionflixoriginal #formaldresses #fancyfun #besttime
Some photos from Saturday at @passion.con we had a Some photos from Saturday at @passion.con we had a blast doing a scavenger hunt, had a fabulous breakfast and lunch, plus author and actor panels, and we got our hair and makeup done for the evening festivities. #passioncon #passionflix @passionflix @kristenproby @thereallaurelinpaige @authoremmachase @oliviaapplegate @jodi_ellen_malpas @melagreenh
Live at the @passion.con @passionflix lead actor p Live at the @passion.con @passionflix lead actor panel.

#passionflix #bookstomovies #romancenovels #romancemovies #romancelandia #girlsweekend
Day One of @passion.con was AMAZING!!! @passionfli Day One of @passion.con was AMAZING!!! @passionflix is really making this all inclusive weekend so special! Some of these photos include @chrislmckenna from The Will, @toscamusk @mayemusk @melagreenh and @ashleydulaney from Seduction and Snacks, @kbromberg the cast of Driven, and my custom PJs for the pajama party 🤪
#passioncon #passionflix
It was SO GREAT going back to Kristen Ashley’s F It was SO GREAT going back to Kristen Ashley’s Fantasyland world again! I tried to read as slow as possible because I just didn’t want to leave. Though the whole Fantasyland series is best read in order, Gossamer in the Darkness easily stands alone. You don’t have to like fantasy or regency to love this, you just have to love romance. I am so happy to have this as a new addition to one of my favorite series, and now I may have to go and listen to the entire series again.

💻My review: https://anasattic.com/gossamer-in-the-darkness/
📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3LREzx2
🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3FivudP

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@kristenashleybooks 
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“Sometimes, things need to break to be put toget “Sometimes, things need to break to be put together right.”

@catherinecowlesauthor has a way of blending steamy romance, angst, suspense, family, found family, friendship, kids, and a whodunnit into something completely unique and special. Falling Embers may be my favorite yet.

—>Check out my review: https://anasattic.com/falling-embers/
📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3vsTB53
🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3JMXB5P (Joe Arden and Vanessa Edwin were fabulous!)
—
#bookreview #audiobookreview #catherinecowles #bookstagram #audiobookstagram #audible #audiblebooks #newrelease #romanticsuspense #romancereads #bookrecommendations #recommendedreading #Kindle #audibleromance #booklover #bookish #favoritebooks
We had some great book and audiobook releases last We had some great book and audiobook releases last month! I have them all listed in one place (hundreds!), as well as a recap list of all of my reviews —> https://anasattic.com/april-2022-recap/

#bookreleases #audiobookreleases #bookreviews #audiobookreviews #romancebooks #romancebookreleases #romancereads #kindle #audible #audibleromance #aprilbooks #aprilrecap
I had no idea how much better it would be! The new I had no idea how much better it would be! The new Kindle Paperwhite is currently on sale for 25% off. If you have a trade-in you get another 20% off plus the value of the trade-in. The new Kindle Paperwhite ended up costing me $59. And it is SO WORTH IT. The screen is WAY bigger, it’s super fast, and the new light really still keeps the pages looking like e-ink with the adjustable warmth.

• https://amzn.to/3LBw2hs •

I will need it for the 6 hour flight to LA for @passion.con  this week!

* Both of these are the same settings for font, size, spacing and brightness.

Book: By Any Other Name by @laurenkatebooks 

#books #kindle #kindlepaperwhite #affiliate #ad #biggerisbetter
The Ravenhood Trilogy by Kate Stewart has a HUGE n The Ravenhood Trilogy by Kate Stewart has a HUGE number of people who are OBSESSED with it. I love Kate Stewart and needed to see what all the hype was about despite it being a long commitment (40+ Hours). In the end, it just wasn’t for me. It was too toxic and I never fell in love with and rooted for the MCs. Maybe I’m just too old? I wanted so much to love this! As much as I hate to sometimes, I review every book I read or listen to.

My Review: https://anasattic.com/the-ravenhood-trilogy/

The Ravenhood Trilogy: https://amzn.to/3vkCNyD
—
#bookreview #audiobookreview #honestbookreview #romancebookstagram #booktrilogy #booktok #unpopularopinion
The Other Half of the Grave by @jfrostauthor was e The Other Half of the Grave by @jfrostauthor was everything I could have dreamed of. I was nervous, because I’ve read a few other books that totally changed my opinion of the hero after reading their pov (and not in a good way). I was glad I went into this without a recent re-read of Halfway to the Grave (until after) because I wasn’t comparing the two, and The Other Half of the Grave felt fresh and new. 

I loved reading this almost as much as I loved reading the first book so many years ago, and that’s saying a lot, because I have read thousands of books since, and it still remains a favorite. If you are a fan of Cat and Bones, or you just want to start a new series, I 100% recommend The Other Half of the Grave by Jeaniene Frost.

💻My review: https://anasattic.com/the-other-half-of-the-grave/
📚Read it: https://amzn.to/3LfLOys
🎧Listen: https://amzn.to/3kc3qiF
—
#paranormalromance #pnr #romancereads #newrelease #arcreview #bookreview #favoriteseries #catandbones #vampires #jeanienefrost #nighthuntress #booklover #kindle #audible #5stars
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