Beginning BDSM and Spanking 101-Fulfilling Her Fifty Shades Fantasies

Your lover wants to get naughty but is embarrassed to ask. You’ve heard of Fifty Shades of Grey, right? This is the book sweeping through the world now, and women all over are fantasizing about being dominated. This is not a new phenomenon at all, it has just brought our fantasies out in the open, and the women (and men, but for this article I will refer to the submissive as a female) who want this Domination are all very different. Some want it all the time, and live their lives in a 24/7 master/slave relationship. Others only practice in the bedroom, and others just want to play at it once in a while.

Background & Disclaimer:  First of all, I must explain. I am not an expert by any means. I don’t even live the BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism also the DS is for Domination/submission) lifestyle, though my husband and I play in the bedroom, and we are slowly taking it further. But I found there isn’t much information for the men out there to just get started, and I spent a lot of time researching. Plus, I get where your wives are coming from. I read Fifty Shades of Grey and wanted more “kinky fuckery” too. This is a little guide to get started playing out your wife or girlfriend’s fantasies. This advice is for a couple already in a trusting relationship.

Nice Guys:  I know, you’re a nice guy. You would never think about hurting, abusing or humiliating your wife. But, you want to satisfy her, right? There is no reason to be afraid to bring some spice into the bedroom. If your lover is interested in this type of play, you are only doing what she wants. This is role playing, just play the role. The keys to this type of play is: “Safe, Sane & Consensual”. It is important that you discuss both of your limits beforehand, and you start slowly and safely (Don’t even think about using a whip on a person if you’ve never tried!)

Domination/submission is also referred to as a Power Exchange. While the dominant is in control, the submissive always has the power to use her safe word and stop everything.

The Psychology (IMHO):     Nowadays, women have more responsibilities than ever. Many women have stressful careers, or are juggling the kids all day. Most women I know don’t want to have to make decisions in bed as well. We don’t want to worry if we are doing it the way you like it–tell us! We dream of the guy who can just take control and push us a little past our comfort zone at just the right time and speed. The man who can read our bodies so well they know when to speed up, slow down or pound harder–and we want the guy that’s going to just snap and ‘take us’ passionately.  It is in a woman’s nature, as much as we fight it, to be dominated a bit by a man (don’t trash me, why do you think we read ‘bodice rippers’?). Men are bigger, stronger and more aggressive. Show that to your woman (just don’t be a dick about it)! The more controlling your woman is in all aspects of her life, the more pleasure she can derive from releasing that same control to a loving partner who she trusts. (Do NOT betray that trust!)

For those of you whose lover has read Fifty Shades or books like it, it is easy to get started. You probably know she liked it already (didn’t you notice those days when she couldn’t keep her hands off you in between reading her kindle?). Otherwise, listen for clues from her, she may tell you she loved when you grabbed her hard or kissed her rough.  No matter what though, there should be some type of discussion (when you are not in the bedroom) about both of your fantasies, and try setting up some light rules to start about things that you both might like to try, and things that you won’t try.

First Time:    For your first time, don’t invest a lot of money. Plan ahead and have some items ready to go. Have a nice dinner, then take her into the bedroom.  Use a firm commanding voice, and have her take off her clothes. Tell her you are in charge for the night, and to say the word “RED” (or a word of her choosing) if she really, truly, wants you to stop everything you are doing (**and you will!**), “yellow” can slow you down, or give you a chance to see what the problem is.  Tell her to lie down or even have her kneel in front of you to start. Keep your clothes on for a bit to make her feel a little more vulnerable. Look at her, admire her, position her and move her just the way you want. YOU are in charge, SHE is your plaything. Get one of your ties (if you have a silver or grey one, use it, believe me) and tie her hands together above her head or to the headboard, checking that it isn’t too tight (re-check often). Get a blindfold, tie or scarf and cover her eyes. This will make her other senses have to work harder, and make her anticipate everything more acutely. Tell her to obey your commands or she will be punished. Have her spread her legs.

IMPORTANT: make sure you tell her now how beautiful she is and how much she turns you on. Praise her for obeying you. Call her ‘good girl’  or something similar when she listens. She wants to please you.

Tease: The idea is to make her beg you for more, not race for the big O. Spend time, play with her breasts. Touch her only lightly down below. Touch her everywhere with different items, furry, feathery, rough, whatever. Try different things–a pastry or paint brush, a feather, ice, a scrubber, anything. Try it on your inner thigh first to see how it feels. She is blindfolded and tied up. Helpless. Use that anticipation. Move around her, never let her know what is coming next or from where. When she starts wiggling for more, turn her a bit and give her a little swat on her ass, and command her to be still (or quiet).  If you can, tie her legs apart. When she starts to get more excited, have her talk to you. Make her tell you what she wants.

Oral:  Use your mouth everywhere (if you don’t do this already, then there is no hope for you unless you start now). Suck, kiss, nibble and lick her anywhere & everywhere you want. If you want her to suck you, tell her what to do and how to do it.

Anal play:   If you have never talked about it or tried any anal play, once she is wet and excited, moisten one fingertip with her cream and just press firmly against her rear opening. Don’t go in, at all, without lube (and lots of it). But tease her back there and see how she responds. Most women are embarrassed to admit how much they might want that (it feels so dirty!), so push past that. If you see she is enjoying the stimulation, push for more each time. The anal area is filled with a ton of nerves that are very closely connected to the vagina, and that, combined with the little pain, a little fear, and a little ‘dirtiness’ can go a long way by itself.

Be Observant:  Watch her. Pay attention to everything, her breathing, her squirming, her flushed skin. The more you learn her body, the further you can go. Trust is the key. Your woman just gave you her body to do with as you please, and she trusts you to do right by it. Don’t ask if what you are doing is OK–just do it. YOU are in charge. Domination is more mental than physical. She needs to know you are in charge of both of your pleasure.

Pain: A little pain can sometimes be a good thing too. The closer she is to orgasm, the more pain can be turned to pleasure. Tweak her nipples a little harder, or untie her and give her a hard slap on the ass. Tell her not to come without permission, bring her to the edge and back a few times until you give permission. Don’t let her “top from the bottom” too much, which means she is telling you what to do. It’s not easy for us to let our bossy, bitchy nature go, but when we do it’s so much better. She didn’t follow your instructions quickly enough? Uh oh…….. regretfully you have to really give her a spanking.

First Spanking:  Take it easy, use a hand, not a spanking implement the first time. Rub her intermittently between spanks, and check to see if she is enjoying herself (is she wet?). BEWARE of the lower back and tailbone. Keep it on the fleshy part of the rear and thighs. A lot of women also like having their clit slapped. See if she does by slapping her lightly there.

Aftercare:  After a scene, aftercare is very important. Cuddle, talk about what you liked and didn’t like, and let her know how much she pleased you.

If you see this worked out, add some more things to your repertoire. Go to the Red Room of Pain/Erotic Playroom (you will need to click Enter again to see any items) and check out some items there. Wrist and ankle cuffs, a blindfold, a leather paddle (more noisy than painful) and possibly a small anal plug are great beginner toys. Sportsheets makes a great all in one set under bed kit, but if you were a boy scout, you can probably whip up something with rope under the mattress. You can also visit Amazon’s new Shades of Grey store.

Rules for Bondage:

• Watch circulation, check to make sure nothing is too tight.
• Never leave them alone.
• Untie and move positions (massaging shoulders) often.
• Make sure you have a 1 minute rule. You need to be able to get your partner untied in one minute or less. Some fabrics like silk scarves and pantyhose can hold a good knot and tighten on you, so have scissors nearby.

Rules for Anal Play:

• Always use lube, lots of it.
• Never put anything that has been in another person’s anus in their vagina after.
• Make sure anything that goes in the rear entrance has a wide base that won’t go in. I promise, when you least expect it, a lubed up vibe can just slip right up there. Now that would be an interesting trip to the ER!

Rules for Spanking:

• Never hit the lower back/kidney area
• Beware of the tailbone, they can be injured easily

Keep your relationship fresh. Try new things. Here are a few ideas:

• FaceTime her from work and have her do something, like touch herself for you.
• Tell her not to wear underwear when you go out for dinner and tease her all night.
• Have her call you “Sir” or “Master”.
• Command her to get on her knees and suck you off, telling her exactly how you want it. (See guys, it’s not only about tying her up and pleasuring her).
• Have her bend over the arm of the couch and spank her just because you want to see her ass red, and it pleases you.
• Pull her hair firmly while you ravage her mouth.
• Push her against the wall, holding her hands over her head and touch her anywhere you want.
• Buy a new toy, play with it in every way, have her pleasure herself for you.
• Try using a blindfold and headphones on her while she is tied up, so she can only feel.
• Get a remote controlled wearable vibrator and torture her when you are out together
• Buy a magic wand and hold in on her as she comes over and over.