For years, I fantasized about a little spanking. But I always felt like it would ruin the whole thing if I had to ask. I would lose the breathless shock of being spanked. My husband knew I liked it and did it lightly once in a while, but didn’t quite realize how much, as well as how much I like that and other ‘kinky fuckery”. (I didn’t really realize until I started reading more) I wanted HIM to push me to do more, I didn’t want to tell him, because again, that ruins it, I want HIM to take control. Reading all of these erotic books has finally made me speak up more, and believe me, my husband is totally stepping up, and enjoying every second.
Maybe you haven’t even talked about any of your fantasies with your lover. Many of my friends never have. It’s time!!!! Right now, Fifty Shades of Grey is in the news every day. Use it as a starting point of a conversation. Tell him what parts turned you on. Whatever you do, don’t say “I wish you were more like Christian Grey”, and don’t bring it up during the act. Try for a nice romantic evening. Ask him his fantasy first. Tell him you will make it come true, then do it! (It’ll be your turn next). I know how hard it is to talk about, but would you rather fantasize or do?
If you can’t find a way to start the conversation try this: If you read on your iPhone or iPad, take a screen shot (press the home button and the button on top together) of a page that really turned you on, and text that photo to your man while he’s at work (beware if you have photo stream set up), or take a photo of a page of the book. Send it with a text that says “reading this is making me wet”, or “OMG, this sounds so hot!”.
I must tell you, Fifty Shades of Grey is actually not a great example of a BDSM book. In fact, in some ways it is dangerous and gives out wrong information on safe, sane and consensual BDSM relationships. But I applaud the book for waking up our libidos and our fantasies. See My Favorite Dom/Sub or BDSM Romance Books for others.
Communication is so, so important in any relationship, and beginning a Dom/sub relationship (even just for bedroom play) needs to be discussed. Tell him you’d love to try getting tied up. Better yet, send him my post for beginner Doms: Beginning BDSM & Spanking 101: Make her Fifty Shades of Grey Fantasy Come True (click on post title to get it in its own window to e-mail).
Remember ladies, the appeal of the Dominant man is that he takes all the control and decisions from you, so if you are barking out orders like “spank me harder”, or “don’t do that, do it like Christian”, that isn’t going to work for either of you. Keep in mind, your partner is NOT Christian Grey. He very likely has not read the book, and he isn’t a mind reader. Talk about what worked and didn’t after the scene, don’t bark orders during. In the meantime, check out the post on beginning Domination for men.
One other suggestion: buy some toys and bondage gear and give it to your lover. That’s one way to start a conversation! I have hand-picked items (from Amazon) that were featured in Fifty Shades of Grey, plus I added more. There are lots of categories to choose from. Visit the Red Room of Pain/Erotic Playroom in the Ana’s Attic main site for my selection, or visit Amazon’s new “shades” shop here.
Here are also some famous books dealing with BDSM:
- Screw the Roses Send Me The Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devlin
- SM 101- A realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
- The New Bottoming Book– by Dossie Easton
Lisa w says
Thanks Ana, Great blog. After trust, the hardest part is being that open and honest to let him know what you want!
I agree. Especially when what you want is for him to KNOW what you want! LOL. That’s why I created the other post. All you have to do is click send 🙂
I absolutely love this post! I usually email links to toys that intrigue me.. My man normally teases me about it, but it seems like he makes mental note of my email ! 😉