What do you do when the whole world has seen you getting down and dirty in a broom closet?
I, Elle Evans, am on the run.
Not from the fuzz—although that would be more exciting.
No, I’m on the run from the four-year-old private tape that, thanks to my vengeful ex, has probably already ruined my vlogging career.
There’s nothing like the entire world knowing what you look like mid-O.
Creek Keys, Florida, is a million miles away from NYC and the perfect place for me to hide for the rest of summer until I can figure out what I’m going to do.
Something that’s easier said than done since my new landlord’s daughter thinks you’re God’s greatest gift. Even better? Their beach house is right next to the one I’m renting, so there’s no getting away from her—or her hot, British dad.
Who most definitely does not think I’m role model material.
He might be right.
The problem is that neither of us can say no to her.
Or each other.
“Why do I have to shower every single day?”
“Because you get dirty every single day,” he said so automatically I just knew this was a daily conversation they had.
Another sigh, but Ari did as she was told and went upstairs.
“You do that daily, don’t you?” I asked.
“Every single day.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I think she does it now just to do it. It’s not like she doesn’t know she has to shower every day before bed. It’s been a thing for three years.”
I grinned. “You are going to have so much fun with her when she’s in her teen years.”
“You and I have very different definitions of fun,” he said dryly. “I’m not looking forward to that at all. It’s already starting.”
“Ooh, that’s gonna be rough.”
“You could be supportive and give me advice.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure what advice to give to a man who has to guide a teenage girl through the most troubled years of her life. Buy noise canceling headphones? Educate yourself on tampons? Invest in something stronger than beer? Find God, because you’re gonna need him?”
“That really wasn’t the support I was going for.” I snorted. “I’m not going to lie to you. Puberty sucks. Girls are the worst. I have no idea how my parents did it with two girls without anyone dying.”
There was a knock at the door, and Theo got up. “Maybe I should have spent more time on dating the last few years. Someone who knows what they’re doing would be helpful.”
I laughed.
“Aunt Elsie,” he said, surprised.
I peered through the doorway into the hall.
“Can we—”
“No,” he said immediately.
“But—”
“No.”
“Theodore—”
“Do not call me Theodore.”
I grinned. Theodore. Why hadn’t I assumed that was his full name?
“Then stop interrupting me, you rude child.”
“I’m not a child.”
“Then do stop acting like one and let me in.” She shoved past him, letting herself in, and stopped when she saw me. “Elle! My new friend!”
All right, then.
“Hi, Elsie.” I waved. “How are you?”
“I’m just fine. We’re seeing the mayor tomorrow for our weekly protest, and I have a doozy of an article to show him about UFO sightings off the coast of Creek Keys.”
Tell me the last “hot mess” thing you did (or tell me you are perfect so I can be jealous and hate you at the same time).
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I honestly can’t think of anything. I’ve always been a perfectionist at just about everything I do. And I try not to do something that will embarrass me.
I am so Not Perfect…
I am clumsy and a constant worrier so I am usually a hot stress mess about things I can’t control..I have actually just screamed the house down when a Spider..no wait a tarantula Yes it was enormous…Ran across the room..its disappeared under the blinkin settee and I am just beside myself …I think I have pulled a muscle I ran that fast tripping over my own feet….God knows what I am going to do,feel like I am being held hostage by a bloody spider.
I try to reign my “hot messes” in because of my profession; however, sometimes they slip through. I tend to be a hot mess every morning. I can never seem to get anything right, plus, I always tend to spill my coffee, but if you know me, you know that I need my caffeine in order to function.
Hot Mess mama over here. I almost hit some guy in the Costco parking lot while reversing. I was all frazzled bc I was bringing my mom her car keys after she locked her groceries and purse inside her car (hot mess runs in the family, I guess) and I wasn’t as focused as I should have been. Luckily he was watching out and we didn’t collide.
Oh boy! Where do I begin? I am a total hot mess! I once went grocery shopping and was wearing a dress. There was something spilt on the floor and I didn’t see it. Well I slipped and fell and had my arse in the air for everyone to see and I was wearing the most unflattering underwear of all time! It’s safe to say I never returned to that store again ?
I’m a total hot mess. My life is a string of unfortunate events, but I always see the funny side of it (eventually). Last year I pulled a muscle in my leg running away from a wasp (very painful and not recommended). I ended up having to sit on the sofa for a week as I couldn’t walk. My family had to do everything for me. Life lesson learnt… the wasp probably wasn’t the problem.
I’m always dropping shit! Always. By 7am I’ve dropped everything I touch. I break things all the time. I trip. I’ve actually fractured both ankles, my right foot. I’ve shattered bones in my left foot. All in the snow/ ice. Apparently I can’t walk. Seriously I make people laugh all the time. I even laughed so hard out with friends at the bar and pee’d myself. Ughh I. Gonna stop now. Thanks for the giveaway. Lol
Just one “hot mess express” example? Lol probably last week when I sent a flirty dirty text in a group chat with my Fiancé and his sister! Hey at least it was kind of a cute flirty!
Oh Im a Hot mess all day every day. Yesterday I was trying to cook dinner and kept dropping the cooking utensils. I ended up stirring my red sauce with a salad serving spoon. The kitchen was a disaster zone by the time dinner was done.
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Hot Mess by Emma Hart
Shelly Hammett says
Over the years I have managed to rein my hot messes in,so it has been a while. P.S. I am not perfect though
Ana's Attic says
Damn, I’m 52 and still a hot mess.
Sarah Maramo says
I honestly can’t think of anything. I’ve always been a perfectionist at just about everything I do. And I try not to do something that will embarrass me.
Ana's Attic says
Good for you! I don’t think other people see I’m a hot mess, but I do!
Sarah Maramo says
I honestly can’t think of anything. I tend to be a perfectionist at just about everything I do. I try not to do anything that will embarrass me.
Cat Wright says
I am so Not Perfect…
I am clumsy and a constant worrier so I am usually a hot stress mess about things I can’t control..I have actually just screamed the house down when a Spider..no wait a tarantula Yes it was enormous…Ran across the room..its disappeared under the blinkin settee and I am just beside myself …I think I have pulled a muscle I ran that fast tripping over my own feet….God knows what I am going to do,feel like I am being held hostage by a bloody spider.
Ana's Attic says
We had to call my ex husband to come over last night because there was a lizard in the house!
Jenn M says
I try to reign my “hot messes” in because of my profession; however, sometimes they slip through. I tend to be a hot mess every morning. I can never seem to get anything right, plus, I always tend to spill my coffee, but if you know me, you know that I need my caffeine in order to function.
Ana's Attic says
Same here!
Julie Solorio says
Hot Mess mama over here. I almost hit some guy in the Costco parking lot while reversing. I was all frazzled bc I was bringing my mom her car keys after she locked her groceries and purse inside her car (hot mess runs in the family, I guess) and I wasn’t as focused as I should have been. Luckily he was watching out and we didn’t collide.
Ana's Attic says
My kind of woman!
Kayla B. says
Oh boy! Where do I begin? I am a total hot mess! I once went grocery shopping and was wearing a dress. There was something spilt on the floor and I didn’t see it. Well I slipped and fell and had my arse in the air for everyone to see and I was wearing the most unflattering underwear of all time! It’s safe to say I never returned to that store again ?
Ana's Attic says
OMG. I don’t blame you!
Kayla B. says
Right? I swear these things only would happen to me! Worst luck ever!
Danielle says
I’m a total hot mess. My life is a string of unfortunate events, but I always see the funny side of it (eventually). Last year I pulled a muscle in my leg running away from a wasp (very painful and not recommended). I ended up having to sit on the sofa for a week as I couldn’t walk. My family had to do everything for me. Life lesson learnt… the wasp probably wasn’t the problem.
Ana's Attic says
I snort laughed at this because I would totally do that.
Angel Follansbee says
Oh yeah HOT MESS over here!!!
I’m always dropping shit! Always. By 7am I’ve dropped everything I touch. I break things all the time. I trip. I’ve actually fractured both ankles, my right foot. I’ve shattered bones in my left foot. All in the snow/ ice. Apparently I can’t walk. Seriously I make people laugh all the time. I even laughed so hard out with friends at the bar and pee’d myself. Ughh I. Gonna stop now. Thanks for the giveaway. Lol
Ana's Attic says
I have done the pee thing! I also broke a tooth playing tennis. Yup.
Angel says
Oh my god!! Lol
April Herbster says
I’m totally perfect ???
Ana's Attic says
You are!!! And I love your boobs.
Heather Gerling says
Just one “hot mess express” example? Lol probably last week when I sent a flirty dirty text in a group chat with my Fiancé and his sister! Hey at least it was kind of a cute flirty!
Ana's Attic says
OMG, you were lucky it wasn’t dirty flirty!
Michelle says
My hot mess existence has slowed down a little with the current state of the world. Typically I’d have several daily examples for you!
Also entering on IG, Canadian_michelle
Ana's Attic says
It’s hard to fuck up so much if you don’t leave home.
Beth says
Oh Im a Hot mess all day every day. Yesterday I was trying to cook dinner and kept dropping the cooking utensils. I ended up stirring my red sauce with a salad serving spoon. The kitchen was a disaster zone by the time dinner was done.
Ana's Attic says
This is why I don’t cook much!
Kathy P says
A hot mess most times I make dinner. Me and cooking just don’t mix.
Ana's Attic says
I can order in great though!