2) Authors look nothing like their photos. Next time, stalk their pages beforehand so you know who the fuck you are talking to.
3) An event is only as good as the volunteers, and I had an amazing group of them! There is no way any of this would have happened without them. I had 2, Tara and Kerriann show up out of the blue, and they worked their asses off with all of the other awesome volunteers. And Lori Stern. Damn, that girl is a machine!
4) Joanne Christenson…I’d marry her if I could.
5) This is the only place in the world I ever get to be Mistress Ana. And Fuck Book Friends will be my bitches, whores, subs, kitties and sluts, we even get sashes and tiaras.
…and they grab my boob…
6) A hotel bar CAN run out of booze. Girls away from their husbands and kids for the weekend can sure party! And party a LOT.
7) If you yell ‘Penis & Vagina’ over a loud speaker on a booze cruise with 120 women (and 5 men), nobody will hear you, except the 15 year old you didn’t know was there.
8) Women are hungry, dammit. You need to serve FASTER!
9) Apparently Megan is OK with me riding her.
10) Next time remember to get an author (all of them) and a volunteer picture, because both groups were amazing.
11) Expect the line for the half naked cover model to be a bit longer than the rest.
12) Ask someone to show their boobs to win a prize, and they will. Ask someone to find a guy with a tattoo, and they will grab any strange guy, even an author’s husband, throw them over their shoulder and run on to the stage.
13) I should try to remember to get my own books signed at my events, there should be one perk, right? Or should have sent one of my whores around with it.
14) 8 Vibrators racing down a track can be loud, much slower than I thought, but still entertaining, especially when yelled over a megaphone.
16) Everyone loves a strap-on goat.
17) Vodka soaked gummy worms and gummy bears from Dawn Robertson are sticky, slippery little fuckers, yet 200 women and men will eat them off the same fork with no hesitation.
18) If you don’t point out the gorgeous candy table to a bunch of drunk fuckers, they won’t even notice it.
19) When the po po come to your room and find 50 drunk screaming women, they don’t know what to say. When you try to bribe them and ask them to take off their uniform and join the fun with a tiara on your head, they may not take your very seriously.
20) When the room crawl moves to the pool, my husband will race around like a loon to make a gigantic jug of Sangria so that the 50 thirsty whores (who have 500 shots) won’t get rowdy. It didn’t work.
21) Harper Sloan is my soul mate. She just doesn’t know it.
22) Penny Reid is Superwoman. Seriously. She has the suit and everything. And she made a meme of me, so I have no choice but to love her.
23) SM Donaldson has blackmail video of everything. Watch out for her.
24) There are too many pretty authors. I didn’t know we’d have more female cover models than male!
25) If you bring a coloring book of vaginas, make sure you have more flesh colored crayons, and for God’s sake, NEVER play Brown Eyed Girl!
26) “Dawn Robertson’s Tits” and “Cooch Juice” can be the words of the night anywhere we go.
27) Smuffins are pretty awesome. And authors know how to have fun and be silly. The more fun they were, the more we want to read them!
28) NEVER tag people in photos from Wicked Book Weekend, and never, ever look at photos of yourself.
29) Never leave out any of the items from Wicked Book Weekend for your kids to find, especially the stuff from Harper Sloan.
30) If you work your ass off and don’t sleep for 6 months, it’s worth it to give so many people an amazing weekend.
Wicked Book Weekend was something I swore I’d never take on again. But after hearing so many people have an amazing time…I am looking at dates for the next one!